"Do You Really Love Me?"

My heart breaks that so many will live and die and never have read God’s Letter to them…

So many will have a God of their own understanding, because they never read his Autobiography - the Bible…Many will have knowledge of many things…many read for hours…even great books…but never desire to read about the God they claim to love…Wisdom tells us to seek God first - above all things…

But many read “how to” books, self-improvement books, philosophy, history, “secret” codes, and on and on…and presume they know God because they are “spiritual”.

How can one be “spiritual” without the Spirit of Truth?

Please - anybody who reads this - "lean not on your own understanding".  Please determine today to read the Word of God.  He has given you the command to "know Him"...and Jesus said that many will claim to know him, but He will say to them:  "I never knew you..." 

If you say you love somebody, do you never open their letters to you, or answer their phone calls?  Do you, instead, turn on the TV or read a letter from a stranger instead?

Jesus said, "If you love me, you will obey me".  And dear ones, He has commanded - not suggested - that we read His Word...

"Sin-cerely Sin-sational" - A Devotional

My Father,

I want to be good. Good naturally. Naturally good. This is impossible. My nature is naturally wicked. Who is good? Only the Lord is good. Do I accept my wickedness as I wait on the Holy Spirit to purify me? No. I hate the sin that is natural in me.

Are some born more evil than others? Isn’t the greatest evil to reject the leading of the Holy Spirit to believe in Jesus Christ? Even this, I have done. ..Is not the next greatest evil the refusal to give my life completely to the one who saved me?

To not love and obey in response to His love, is to me the standard whereby I know that I am not sanctified completely.  I despise that I am not perfect in love and obedience. Yet, His love and grace sustains me from hopelessness in this body of sin. I know that I do love, though so imperfectly, and that by the grace and the love He pours into me.

How do I live in peace with God and self when I know that who he desires me to be - and who I want to be for his sake and the sake of others - I am not? To be imperfect before a perfect God is a most humbling place of trust.

You will not reject me, or cast me out because I am a sinner. No. You pour out more grace upon me to purify me. (Why are you downcast, oh my soul? Praise Him because He has rescued you!) You love the unlovable. You wash away my filth like a tender Shepherd cleansing the mud off a lamb who has fallen into a pit. Tenderly, you nurse me from my soul’s sickness into freedom and truth.

What must I do to let you love me? I must believe that you love me as I am. I must accept that you have forgiven me all the sins of the past. I must believe that with man it is impossible to obey God and love Him perfectly. But with God, it is possible.

I yearn, my Father, to make you proud of me! I yearn, my Father, to be your “good little child”.  Hear my heart, hear my soul which cannot speak clearly these anguishes of my spirit.

I trust my heart to you...In His Name...

The Life God Blesses - Hope for a New Year and New Life

THE LIFE GOD BLESSES

Reflections from “The Life God Blesses” by Jim Cymbala

“For the eyes of the Lord move to and from throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His.” 2 Chronicles 16:9

LISTEN

“Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare. Give ear and come to me; hear me, that your soul may live.” Isaiah 55:2-3
The key to a blessed life is to have a listening heart that longs to know what the Lord is saying.

IMITATE GOD

Be merciful, compassionate, kind, full of grace, forgiving - even as the Lord has done to you. Pursue these virtues, knowing that only through His grace can you imitate these characteristics of God.

EARNESTLY SEEK HIM

“…because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.” Hebrews 11:6

“may the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable to God.” Psalm 19:14
Desire to please Him with all of your heart. He who delights in the Lord, the Lord rewards with his heart’s desires.
Be humble when blessed, knowing that you need God in everything, and apart from Him you can do nothing. All good things come from him.

“A humble heart is like a magnet that draws the favor of God towards us.” - Jim Cymbala

PRAY AND COMMUNE WITH GOD


“Hannah was praying in her heart.” 1 Samuel 1:13
Praying blesses the church and all the earth.


“The fervent prayers of a righteous man availed much.”

“…the Lord will hear when I call to him.” Psalm 4:3

“…you do not have because you do not ask.” James 4:2

“…in the day of my trouble, I will call to you for you will answer me.” Psalm 86:7

HAVE A SPIRITUALLY TENDER AND SENSITIVE HEART

“Although a sensitive heart makes us vulnerable in other aspects of life, it is essential and leads to great blessing when we’re dealing with the Lord.” - Jim Cymbala
“Because your heart was tender and you humbled yourself before God…and wept before me, I truly have heard you, says the Lord.” 2 Chronicles 34

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
Discover every word of God and take each one to heart.

Responsiveness - deep sensitivity - to what God says and feels in His word, about sin, the unsaved, the sick, the hurting, about rejecting Him - draws Him close.

BELIEVE HIS PROMISES - PRAY THROUGH THE LAST HALF HOUR - HAVE A HEART THAT WAITS ON THE LORD

“Choose between what I know in my heart God has promised to do and the negative situations I see with my eyes and feel with my heart every day. This struggle to fight for what God has promised rather than surrendering to what can be seen and felt will continue through my life. There is an ever-present tension between the greatness of God’s promises and the still-unchanged situations I face after we pray.” - Jim Cymbala


God has a designated time when his promise will be fulfilled and the prayer will be answered. His answer is absolutely sure if you trust Him, but it is not yet! (I remember how God has answered my prayers for my family’s salvation from believing his promise in Acts that if I believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, I and my household will be saved…)

Wait in faith and glad expectation. “Without faith it is impossible to please God”. Hebrews 11:6
Wait in prayer; wait with the Bible open confessing his promises; wait in joyful praise and worship; wait while continuing to serve others

“Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.” Isaiah 49: 15-16

“BUT THOSE WHO WAIT ON THE Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:29-31

The hardest part of waiting is the last half hour.

“Indeed, let no one who waits on You be ashamed;…For you are the God of my salvation; On You I wait all the day.” Psalm 25:3, 5
“Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord!” Psalm 27:14

“I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined to me. And heard my cry.” Psalm 40:1
Don’t try to solve it yourself. Just wait

“…the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!” Isaiah 30:18...“This is what the Lord says: ‘In the time of my favor I will answer you, and in the day of salvation I will help you.’”

Red Rover - Childhood Loneliness - Part 5 - Final

That night, the stars were everywhere! Usually, I just looked at them and waited for Somebody to show up. I never talked “out loud” to him - but tonight, I wanted to use my mouth to tell Somebody my Big Secret.

I whispered through the screen: “I’m not little, you know. I cried today but I don’t think that makes me little. I never get picked for Red Rover…but today they let me play - and I really wanted to win for my team - my friends. But I ruined the game for everybody…And here’s my Big Secret:  Somebody, I know that the Red Rover kids don’t like me - even though they called my name first. And I feel stupid because I thought they did… Don’t tell anybody, okay?”

I guess I made it through the next day at school, because I don’t remember what happened. I know I didn’t play Red Rover again. I also avoided any games where teams were being picked. But that same year, I was rushing up some stairs at school to get something I had forgotten after we had been dismissed, and I came face to face with that “little” thing again. An older student stopped me and asked if I needed help. He thought I was a kindergartner and was lost. I told him that I was a first grader and I did not need any help! Then he said, “You are really short”, and ran down the stairs!

Short? I sat down in the stairwell because I needed to figure that word out. “Well, I can’t reach anything without climbing on something…Maybe that is why I am always the first in every line, too…” Out loud, I said emphatically: “I am short”. I didn’t know if that was good or bad, but it was true. And I liked that…

That night, I told Somebody, “Remember when I told you my Secret? Well, now I know why the Red Rover kids don’t like me:  It’s because I’m short…” And I know I heard Somebody say, “But...Big on the inside”…And it sounded like he was smiling…

I grew a new tooth that year - much bigger than the one I lost playing Red Rover.

Anna stopped skipping by my window…I was sorry I didn’t get to tell her that she was “big on the inside”…but I think she knew that anyway…

The Red Rover hurt went away…some kids can only see the outside, and that’s just the way it is…

And Red Rover is a stupid game…

The End

　

Red Rover - Childhood loneliness - Part 4

I slumped out of the big chair and dragged a crate that was under the ironing board over to Joanie’s chifferobe. It was off limits to me. She kept a lot of stuff in the top shelf: her paper dolls, photos of friends, drawing paper, crayons, and scissors. Joanie drew and colored the prettiest dresses for her paper dolls, and I was fascinated with them. Hardly a day went by that I wasn’t sneaking the paper dolls out and playing with them behind Momma’s bed.

But this time, I wasn’t interested in her paper dolls. There was a mirror in the door of Joanie’s chifferobe. It was high up like her stuff, so I climbed on the crate. Joanie had said I was littler than the other kids. I wanted to look and see for myself. It didn’t do any good. All I could see was the top of my eyes - and the big bump on my head.

There wasn’t anybody I could trust to tell me the truth about this. Daddy called me “little girl” all the time, but sometimes he called Joanie that, too. And Joanie had probably called me “little” just because she was my big sister. Momma said I was a “big girl“, but maybe she just didn’t like crying. She never cried. I dragged the crate back to the front room, and decided that I didn’t need any old mirror. I knew I wasn’t little!

That night, after my sister fell asleep, I climbed up on Momma’s and Daddy’s bed. They were talking loudly in the kitchen, so I knew I had time to visit my secret place. I was afraid of the dark, but nobody knew that. I guess I wasn’t really afraid of the dark; it was the loneliness I always felt when it was dark - being alone scared me. There was a big window above the bed. Even if it was cold, I would shove the window up so that I could press against the screen and look up above the roof of the warehouse next door. There was a street light that was always on. I could only see a patch of its light on the corner, but it helped shoo the loneliness away.

If it wasn’t raining - and it rained a lot in New Orleans - I could see the stars sprinkled across the sky. I just knew that Somebody lived up there at night. I had the sense that Somebody watched me a lot through the Night Window - just like I watched people from my window. Somebody listened to my thoughts, too. I don’t know how he did it, but I liked it. I never felt alone when I looked up at the night through that window. I would stay there with Somebody until I heard the beer bottles being tossed in the crate Momma hid in the cupboard under the sink. Then I would go to bed...

　

Red Rover - Childhood Loneliness - Part 3

I wanted to do what Momma said. “be still and nap“, but it hurt too much to lay there and keep thinking about the Red Rover thing. So, I crawled over my mattress and pulled the sheet back from the window that Momma had nailed up for a curtain. Maybe somebody would walk by… My nose got really cold pressed up against the glass panes as I waited …

I guess I fell asleep there, because I didn’t hear Momma come in the Big Room… When I opened my eyes, she was sitting on my mattress, just watching me. She leaned over and gently touched  my bruised forehead and chin. She took my hand and walked me to the bathroom where she washed my face and knees and hands with a warm washcloth. Finally, she looked at the empty space in my mouth. I could still taste the blood - it tasted like licking a penny. She told me I would grow another tooth in a little while.

We didn’t talk about Red Rover. We didn’t talk about how I didn’t want to go to school ever again. We didn’t talk about why she was so sad…She let me climb up in the big purple chair and watch TV, and walked back to the kitchen…and for a while I forgot how sad I was in that place inside me. But I could still feel Momma’s sadness all the way from the kitchen to the purple chair…

My big sister, Joan, came home from school and disappeared in the kitchen with Momma. Joanie was a teenager - 13 - and was in Eighth Grade. She and Momma had secrets together. I didn’t care. Joanie always made Momma’s sadness go away…

My sister came into the front room and said, “Why on earth did you play that stupid game, Kathy?” So. Momma had told her what happened…I didn’t know why, but that made me angry. I stood up in the big chair so that I was taller than Joan - ready for battle. Bravely, I answered: “It isn’t a stupid game. I never got to play before, and today they let me. They even asked me to be the first one to come over.”

She shook her head and looked at me as though I was one of those silly chickens clucking away over at the poultry house. I hated when she did that. “Kathy, you are the littlest of all the kids. That is why they don’t ever pick you - and that is why they called you over first. They knew you were too little to break through!” She shook her head at me again, and went back into the kitchen.

Red Rover - Childhood Loneliness - Part 2

I laid flat on the mattress which I shared with my sister at night. I didn’t like that it was right on the floor because the big roaches would climb right up on it and sleep with us…But this day, I wasn’t thinking about that - I kept getting pictures in my head of the Red Rover kids staring at me and my tooth. I think that is why I cried - because they looked at me like I had peed in my pants. I wanted to cry again…


I looked over at Momma’s and Daddy’s bed which was big and high off the floor. Sometimes, I would wake in the night and be afraid of the dark. I’d hold my breath listening for Momma to breathe. She would cough or something while she was sleeping, and I would be okay. I thought, “Maybe if I cough or something right now, Momma will come check on me…and the Red Rover stuff will go away…” I coughed…and waited…but Momma didn’t come…


My bed was right in front of a floor to ceiling window that never opened, but it was so big that I could see the poultry house on the corner - I could smell it, too - where Momma would get the crates to make furniture for us. There wasn’t much else to look at, except for a car now and then. But if I waited long enough, a man, a woman, a kid - or maybe a dog or cat would show up. I watched people a lot from that second story window.


People do funny things when they don’t think anybody is looking…like scratch their heads - and other places, too, that they wouldn’t do if they knew somebody was watching. I liked the boys the best. There was one boy who would sit on the curb and take one thing at a time out of his pocket. He’d look at it, then put it back. He always sat in the same place, and did the same thing. Sometimes I wondered if he knew I was watching and was just showing off. I liked boys, too, because they did things like throw rocks, and just start running for no reason at all. And they whistled, too! Girls were usually with their Mommas, so they didn’t do anything interesting…


Once, there was a girl I watched from that window for about a week. She wore the same dress every day, and I liked how her hair didn’t stay in her ponytail. She never just walked; she skipped, and jumped off and on the curb into the gutter, as she passed by. I figured she was about my age - 6 or 7 - but she seemed older somehow. (Maybe it was because she wasn’t afraid of being outside by herself. My Momma never let me go anywhere alone because she said that cars, people, and dogs might hurt me). I gave her a name:  "Anna" - because I liked that name...

One day, Anna stopped in front of my house and looked right up at me! I thought for sure that she would be angry because I had been watching her. But she smiled and pointed to the door downstairs that led to our Big Room. I couldn’t believe it! She wanted to come into my house and see me! I hurried and waited at the door upstairs for her. She jumped over the threshold and ran right into the Front Room. She plopped into the purple chair and patted it for me to come sit next to her! She smelled like the wind when it blew dirt around. I told her that I liked the way she smelled. She laughed, jumped out of the chair, and pulled me to my feet. She asked me if I liked to dance, but before I could answer, she started twirling around and around the Big Room. So, I did the same thing! Then she flopped on the floor - hard. So I did the same thing - only I hit one of Momma‘s crates and it went sliding across the room. She laughed so hard that the rubber band holding her pony tail together fell out - and her hair straggled across her face. She laughed at that, too. We danced some more and made each other laugh whenever we fell down or bumped into each other.


Momma must have been in the bathroom or something because we made a lot of noise and she didn’t come in the Big Room to see us for a long time. When she did, she scolded me for unlocking the front door and letting a stranger in the house. She told my friend it was time to leave.


The next day, I had a case of head lice. Momma said it was that “strange child” who gave it to me. I’d still see my friend walk by now and then - and she would always look up at my window and smile. She never gestured to come up again…but I kept the rubber band from her hair under my mattress for a long time…