INNOCENCE LOST - SEXUAL ABUSE

*Psalm 139:16 “All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be”. 

 *Acts 17:26b “…and He determines the times set for them and the exact places where they should live…”



 I have an incredible gift of remembrances from the time I was about two years old - especially for the houses I lived in. Memories of words, images - (like “home movies” recorded and played again and again…) Divine memories that I am compelled to write down… because they are rich in the revelations of His Presence with me…and the evidence of destiny.


My family lived on Felicity Street in New Orleans. It was known then as the Projects - a community of low-rent duplexes and apartments. Our little place was filled with wonder for me…the back yard where our neighbor Mr. LaRocca would give me chewing gum through the gate - and where my sister played board games, (and left the gate open once - through which I escaped into the most incredible journey of “getting lost”)! The front porch where Momma tried to teach me my right foot from my left, so I could put on my shoes all by myself…the front room where I sat on the floor and watched television shows like “Rin Tin Tin”, “The Lone Ranger”, “Howdy Doody”, and even the news…the kitchen where my sister put her red dish set up high - out of my reach, and where I split my chin open on the iron stove…and the forbidden stairs which led to the dark hallway above…


My “room” was the hallway…my crib was right outside Momma’s and Daddy’s bedroom. I’d wake and peek through the wooden bars, keeping my eyes on their door - waiting for them to wake and free me from my prison! My sister’s room was my favorite - it had a window which promised hours of watching cars, children, birds and dogs, trees, and clouds, (my favorite)! I don’t remember my brother’s room, except that it was small and dark…and at the end of the hallway, was the bathroom…When it was very cold, Momma would stand me up on the closed toilet and use a warm rag to “wash me down”. From my position on the toilet, I could see the sky through a little window above the tub - and I would search for the clouds - or the stars if it was dark outside…


Momma had an old phonograph - I think it was an RCA Victor model like the one with the ads of the dog. It had a dark red cabinet with a door in front. One day, she moved it from her bedroom into the hallway by my crib. I was napping, but woke when I heard a sound near my ear…Opening my eyes, I saw my brother open the phonograph door, and put something in it…I closed my eyes quickly…this was something I would surely investigate when nobody was around…


I spent many days sneaking upstairs and opening that little cabinet - and playing with the baseball cards that my brother hid there. But my greatest joy was the aroma of the mahogany wood which was released when I opened the door…This is where I was - squatting before the phonograph, playing with the cards and inhaling the wonderful fragrance of the red wood - when my predator found me…


Gerod was an older boy - maybe 15 or 16 years old. He was my brother’s friend and came over a lot. My mother cooked and cleaned for his mother - who was crippled - and she really liked Gerod. I didn’t like him - he liked to call me “Coony” - Cajun for “coon ass” - and he had a strange mouth that seemed to sneer at me when nobody else was looking…


I don’t know where Momma was that day…I can’t remember her ever leaving me at home alone before - or after - on Felicity Street…


“Coony”, Gerod drawled. “Put those cards away. I have something I want to show you”. He reached down and took my hands, lifting me to my feet. He led me down the hallway like a sheep to its slaughter…he brought me into the bathroom, and stood me on the closed toilet - just like Momma always did. And then he ruined my life…


I wasn’t raped - physically - I was raped of innocence . He didn’t allow me to be a victim - he seduced me into being a willing participant. He awakened a premature sexual awareness in me that tormented me with guilt and self-hate for most of my life. He used his body to make my me feel things I had never felt or known existed…things that felt good - but felt so very wrong…I lifted my eyes to the window above the tub and drank in the blue skies…there were no clouds…


“Do you like me doing this?”, he asked. I nodded, “yes”. And I remember that I immediately thought, “I want Momma”. His next words were as though he read my mind: “Don’t tell your Momma. If you do, I will never do this again.” Then he pulled abruptly away from me. I was torn - wanting more of those feelings - but despising the one pleasuring me.


I told Momma…I don’t know what words I used from my three-year old’s vocabulary to describe what happened. But she must have understood…she made me lay down on the kitchen table, with the hanging light bulb glaring in my face, and examined me…she found no evidence of assault…and did not believe me…Years later - when I was about 7 years old, Gerod came to visit my mother. She opened the door and embraced him into our home…


The Lord has healed me…for the most part…and forgiven me for the sexual sins I engaged in for so many years because of Gerod’s seduction. He has said often, “Not your fault”…and now at 60 years old, I finally believe Him…most days…


How interesting that “Felicity” - the name of the street where God destined me to live for a time - means “good fortune; happiness”. My name, Kathy, means “purity”. God, who knows all things, and wrote every day of my life in His book before it happened, allowed this evil to rob me of felicity and purity…In His Word, He promises to use everything meant for evil, for the good of those who love Him. He promises to complete the good work He began in me. He promises to redeem the years the locusts ate - the years I was robbed of felicity and purity…And He has! I have gained a depth of compassion for sexual abuse victims - and been equipped to minister to them with Christ’s love! And, I have been given a profound awareness of His Presence in my life. I am so loved! I wonder if I would know His love so well, had I not known hate and evil so well…


Toilets are a place where the Lord meets me! As a housewife and mom, I have cleaned many a toilet! There was a time when bathrooms and toilets often gave me anxiety…but now, His Great Sweetness visits me every time I take the Comet into the bathroom to clean it. He wants me to know I am not alone…I wasn’t alone with Gerod, either…


A while ago, I shared with a friend at church, a little visit I had with Jesus in the bathroom that morning. I realized that this was a “delicate” subject, and I apologized if I had offended her. She looked at me and smiled, then said, “Kathy, about 50 years ago, I was cleaning a toilet, crying my eyes out about my miserable marriage. I was on my knees scrubbing, and looked up toward heaven, and said, ‘If you’re real, and you care, come save me.’ And I was saved that day…cleaning the toilet…”


Ah, I marvel at the Divine in the midst of evil…I marvel at the Divine in the midst of the mundane…I marvel that there is no PLACE He will not go to flush away our pain…